Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
