Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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