we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Randomize
