well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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