either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
