did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
