Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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