Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
