Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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