you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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