Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
