My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
