Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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