Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
