Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
