dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
