His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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