If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
