and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
