I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
