I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
