I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
BRING THE BAGELS
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
