Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
