you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
