Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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