how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
