Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
