i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
