If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
