They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
