either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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