took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize