I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
