I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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