my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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