May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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