Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
