You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
