Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
