I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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