Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
