the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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