Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
