I got chris browned last night
I'm lost and stupid without you.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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