Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize