Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
