I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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