is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
