Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
