She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize