Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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