I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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