you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
