just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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