Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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