my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
