What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
