I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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