my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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