can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize