he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
