where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
