omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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