So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
