Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
