I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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